The Optimistic Journey Blog

Reopening your heart to love

Living with an open heart, loving unconditionally seems like an easy concept but when you stop for a moment and think about it…. How easy is it really? For most of us; heart shattering breakups, disappointment and despair seem to go hand in hand with relationships leaving deep wounds on our hearts. Some will choose to heal these wounds leaving just the scares to serve as a reminder, whereas others will allow these wounds to fester becoming infected and painful. When its put that way… choosing the healing path is the way to go, right?!? Wrong. It baffles me to see how much pain and suffering people are willing to walk around with. Attached to their wounds they victimize themselves and begin to identify who they are through these festering battle wounds. Thou this seems idiotic it serves as a protection mechanism preventing the wounded from being “hurt” again but this illusion comes with a drastic price. Lack of trust consumes the heart creating a barrier guarded tighter than Ft Knox’s, impenetrable by even the greatest of loves. Choosing the healing path however doesn’t bring much more comfort because of its lack of instant relief, hence why most don’t embark on its journey. Initially the walk will be filled with pain do to the extensive amounts of self reflection but in the end brings the opportunity to experience of love in its purest form.

Through my own personal experience, this choice has repeatedly presented itself. After each devastating breakup came the daunting task of personal reflection. “What role did I play in this relationship, what did I learn, how can I be better and what could have been done different..” Layer by layer, breakup after breakup a new more refined person started to emerge. Almost as if a dense fog cleared from my heart and mind a deep clear understanding of self resulted from this unwillingness to settle for marginal love. For the first time in my life I understand who I truly am and the value I bring. Not from a place of ego but rather a deep compassionate level of self-respect. The path to this level was not easy and forced me to look at myself in ways I didn’t always like but doing so has brought me the greatest gifts anyone person could pray for…. Fulfillment, passion, purpose & meaning. My heart swells with more joy than I could ever know what to do with. Walking the healing path once again after my choice to leave my marriage allowed me to reopen my heart to love to a depth I knew not existed. Yesterday was a prime example of this; after a day filled with fulfilling work, meaningful conversations and task accomplishment; passion, love and a vibrant zest for life topped of my night. All in which were a direct result from the painstaking walk to recovery. Choosing to reopen your heart initially will not and is not the easiest road to walk when the instant gratification of attention gathered from victimizing self is so effortlessly available. But it’s the end result which should be your motivating factor. Ask yourself what its really worth because from my perspective, the grass is truly greener on the healed side.

http://youtu.be/E0a1cLkyKSg

For most of us separating from a relationship can be one of the most taxing experiences. Not so much for the physical aspects but rather the emotional tear that seems to undoubtedly penetrate your heart. Even exiting the most toxic of relationship (and trust me I have left my fair share) seems to leave you with this emptiness or emotional unsettling. Logically you knew this is the best decision, logically you can understand why you are not together but emotionally you feel torn… why is this you ask, well within all relationships, healthy or unhealthy there is an emotional exchange and dependency that bonds you both together. You can visualize this energy exchange as an invisible cord that connects the two of you together emotionally. Throughout the relationship this “cord” transfers your feelings; love, hate, excitement, passion, lust etc. between the two of you. This transfer allows you to “feel” the other person and intuitively pick up on their emotional state. In a balanced healthy relationship this cord acts in your favor allowing you to understand your partner on an intimate level. Unfortunately the same is true within an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship which is then transmitting negative and destructive emotions between one another. The cord becomes corroded and toxic to both who are connected and eventually assists in advocating the split.

So why is it then if the cord is toxic you still feel this enduring emotional unsettling you ask. Well despite how liberating it was to free yourself of this toxic relationship the bond remains intact for many months there after leaving you with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, longing, sadness, or loss. Honestly these feelings are natural with any separation because there is a physical loss that takes place but if the emotional dynamics are not dealt with the risk of reconnecting with this toxic partner, rebounding or going through an emotional breakdown increase. It is vitally important that you care for yourself during this transition and rebuild your emotional strength. The best way to accomplish this is reconnecting with JOY, Passion, FUN and excitement. All of which were lost within a corroded cord. Understand this, feeling sad, lonely or hurt is normal and you must allow yourself time to grieve even the most toxic of relationships, but under no circumstances should these feelings linger or overcome your life. It takes courage and trust to leave a relationship. It is going to take this courage and self trust to weather the emotional storms for months after. Embrace this courage, use it as your fuel to reconnect with your inner Joy and Passion, cultivate fun and excitement back into your life. NO NEGATIVE emotion can exist when Joy is present. So the quicker you fill your time with things that make you feel good the faster your corroded emotional cord weakens and disappears. Here are 21 suggestions to stimulate Joy.

1) Flood your life with MUSIC. Music is a gateway into joy and a distraction of silence. This distraction allows you to focus on fun rather than the thoughts of loneliness.

2) Reconnecting with Friends – Most of our friendship become astray when we engage in a relationship. Choose to direct your energy and connect with friends!

3) Volunteer – Get involved! HELPING OTHERS allows you to be thankful for what you have and ignites feelings of compassion.

4) Make it your intention to Make someone smile today – This will not only allow someone else to experience joy but will generate joy within yourself!

5) Make a Soundtrack for your life with a THEME song! Choose 5-10 songs that spark excitement and stimulates motivation with a leading theme song. Listen to these EVERY morning to set your mood for the day! Songs such as Sara Evens: Stronger, Sugar Land: Something More, Musica Paradiso: Last of the Mohicans, AC/DC: Thunderstruck, Kelly Clarkson: Stronger http://youtu.be/Xn676-fLq7I

6) Plan a dinner party!

7) Strike up a conversation with a complete stranger

Get Active!

9) Join a Club – walking group, hiking, book club, writing group etc. Meetup.com is a great resource for this!

10) Clean emotional House – why are you hanging onto those picture, teddy bears or t-shirts that keep you lingering in the memories… Clean house & let it go!

11) Connect with a loved one on a deep level. Have an engaging conversation that stimulates depth.

12) Have a dance party in your living room! When Im feeling down I blast my favorite song and dance around until I look like a monkey attracting his mate!

13) Align with your Inner Child – Think back to when you were a kid, what did you do that brought you joy? Was it swinging on a swing, jumping in mud puddles or coloring?? Allow yourself this innocent pleasure and have fun!

14)  Dream List – Now that you are free… what do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Create a dream list and write out things you intend to do this month and year. Then tape up this list as motivation!

15)  Make time for yourself – Does taking a bath, reading or watching the clouds bring your joy? Schedule some time to make this happen!

16)   Make a Quick Shift List – This is a list of items that you could do quickly to shift your mood if it slumps. Examples: Watch funny YouTube Videos, go for a walk, work out, meditate, get a cup of coffee, talk with a friend etc.

17) Try something new! Learn to play an instrument, a new language, dancing, boxing etc.

18) Cross off an item on your bucket list – Do something you have been dreaming about doing without allowing excuses to stand in your way! Go skydive, scuba, rock climb, flash mob, run a marathon etc.

19)   Journal about your ideal life – Pretend its 1 year from now and you are emotionally free of this toxicity, what does your life look like, how does it feel what do you see?? Write in present tense as if you are talking about your life that day.

20) Cultivate LAUGHTER! Read a Joke per day, watch a comedian or listen to a funny story. Everyday find away to genuinely laugh!

21) Affirm your GREATNESS! Create an affirmative statement that plays off your strengths such as “I am Strong & Resourceful!” or “I am victorious in all that I do!” or “Each Day in All ways I am Better than I used to be!”

YOU ARE STRONG! Trust Yourself & Your Decisions!

Sending you LOVE & Light my Friends!

1.) DECIDE & make it your Intention! Be clear with your intention; don’t just think you know, state your desire of EXACTLY what you want. Intention is an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result. Setting an intention gives purpose or attitude toward the effect of one’s actions or conduct and determines how much energy will be directed towards succeeding in achieving it.

2) Be specific: The most important thing about setting goals is knowing what the goal is. You have to be very specific or the goal is nothing, but a fantasy. You can’t just have the goal to be rich. You need to have the specific amount of money, people, place’s or objects you desire in mind.

Example: if a new car is what you want, go test drive different vehicles until you know which one is right for you…down to the color, features and year!

3.) Keep it Positive! Hold a clear image in your mind of your goal making sure you have a clear, loving appreciation for your desire. Feeling happy and grateful about your goal will help assure you are in the right state of mind. If you find you are being a “Negative Nelly” play the reframe game and ask yourself – What are 3 other ways I can think about this?

Example: Dealing with road rage – “That Jerk just cut me off!”

1) Maybe he is on his way to the hospital because someone is sick. 2) Maybe he’s struggling in his marriage & distracted. 3) Maybe he was never hugged as a child.

Play this game will get you at of the thought your client is just a “jerk” and bring you to a place of appreciation or empathy.

4) Choose your Words WISELY! Declare your intention as if it has already happened, using words such as “I have…” or “I am so happy and grateful now that…” or “I am…” Choosing your words wisely will insure your success in the creative process. Beware of using phrases such as “I want…” or “I don’t…” These words tend to draw in that which you seek to change; here is an example “I don’t want stress in my life.” will end up attracting more stress because the focus of that intention is on “stress”. Try using the opposite, such as “I only attract peace into my life.” See the difference? Learn to replace the words “can’t” to “Choose Not to”, “Should” to “Could”, “have to” to “want to” and “Try” to “Will”

5) Make it a believable challenge: It is important to challenge yourself by pushing your goal a little further past where you think you can go but not so far that you don’t even believe it could even happen. If your thoughts are doubtful, then you will lose the will to even try, so keep your goals within reason.

Example: If your goal is make $1million a year but you have never experienced making over $100,000 your first goal might be to make $150,000 in a year. You already know you can make $100k so your thought system isn’t going to doubt you being able to make an additional $50,000 more.

6) Break your goals down into smaller goals: If you have a large goal it is a good idea to break it up and make little goals that are easy to achieve. This way you will have mini triumphs along the way, motivating you towards your bigger picture!

For example: If you want to earn $100,000 a year, break it down. How many houses would you need to sell? Average house = $150,000 @ 3% = $4,500 -(subtract fees) = $4,000. You would only have to sell 2 houses a month to reach your goal of $100,000 a year!

7) BE GRATEFUL! The attitude of gratitude is thee most IMPORTANT step in the creative process. The universe can not bring you what you want if you are not grateful for what you have. It does not matter how “bad” things are right now. If you are not grateful you will repetitively manifest the “bad” in your life because that is where your focus is. Forget about what is wrong in your life. Focus on all the good that is to come and be GRATEFUL for the blessing you have now, even if it is just having the strength to learn this process. Attitude of gratitude is a way of life that needs to be practiced every day. Before you start your visualization, take a few minutes to FEEL GRATITUDE. Find something in your life to be thankful for. From the tips of your toes to the top of your head, feel that warming feeling of gratefulness will shift any negative feelings!

Create a Vision Board: Having your goals hanging up where you can see them every day, will not only keep your mind focused but will give LIFE to your Dream! Creating a vision board gives a visual image to your goals which makes them more tangible. Your mind doesn’t distinguish what is “real” or not. If your mind is preserving it as “real” then achieving it will come as no surprise to your belief system, making the power of visualization an essential part of goal setting.

9) Be persistent: I can not stress this enough! You are the only one standing in your own way of having everything you ever wanted because of fear, doubt, excuses or limiting beliefs! This Year CHOOSE something different! Choose daily to continually move yourself closer to your goals by choosing actions that are in alignment with your big picture. It only takes 18 days to form a habit but they can be changed with repetition. If you have a habit that is not serving you, find a way to remind yourself everyday for 18 continuous days of the change you wish to see and form a new one!

10) Be Open to Opportunity! You will attract whatever you place your attention onto because your thoughts are vibrating energy, energy that is constantly sending out frequencies. These frequencies work like magnets attracting other like energy’s. Being open to opportunity expands your consciousness to be aware of when “opportunity comes knocking”. When you open your awareness to look at everything as an opportunity you wont miss possibilities as they come up even it its not in the form you would expect. Be grateful for all opportunities or abundance that enters into your life. The attitude of gratitude is your key to success here! If your goal is to make $100,000 a year, you are not going to attract it all at once. However, if you are open to opportunity you will attract smaller amounts over a period of time adding up to your goal. Be grateful for the 25 cents you found in the drive thru parking lot; it may be the start of your desire! As you go about your day, allow the opportunities of your goal to come into your life. Do not shoot them down just because it’s not how you imagined it coming. When you find even just a penny, pick it up and say “Thank you for this continuous flow of money that enters into my life.” Be grateful for even the small gifts because you are attracting at all times and in all ways exactly what you asked for. Seize the moment and pay attention to ALL opportunities. “If there is a will, there is a way.”

With all the glorious gifts of the world, only one seems to deeply matter… Your Inner light radiating from your soul. When this light is burning vibrantly you are in direct alignment with your true desires, purpose and with God.

Allowing others to control this light or partaking in Fear, Worry or Self Punishment strips you from this light and consumes you with darkness. Within this darkness depression & anxiety rule your days. Dark clouds seem to mask your happiness and a dark state of numbness sinks in. Gone unnoticed this darkness will surly become your norm causing you to become a drifter in life, living unconsciously moving from unsatisfying task to unsatisfying task completely detached from your own inner desires.

Awaking that inner fire starts with just a flicker of a flame… but Oh how things will change. Just like a true fire, a path of destruction might be imminent; burning & destroying all that once was. People, relationships, friends, family, situations, beliefs at first glance will surly be consumed by this destruction. All things you once knew to be true must either fail you or change to adopt this new inner fire. But soon… as the flame settles and the smoke clears new life will appears. It is through these ashes more vibrate, healthy & alive relationships will be re-born. This new regrowth will be furtilized with strengh, purpose and passion, supporting your new found desires in life. This is the cycle but far to often we fear that moment of demise choosing to settle for what is expected or “just okay”. With the promise of having inner peace and happiness… wouldn’t that brief moment of transition be worth it?? Aren’t you worth it?

Choose to ignite your inner flame. Create that internal brightness not even the greatest of storms could not put out. Allow your natural & true desires to align you with your greatest potential. You are worthy of joy and know this… there is truly NOTHING to fear because even the greatest disasters bring about the most glorious rewards.

The conscious and subconscious aspects of the mind are in simultaneous operations at any given time. The Conscious mind is that of one we understand and control. It lifts our arm when we think to pick something up, it remembers to take out the trash and pick up the kids. The subconscious mind however is working simultaneously and consistently along side the conscious mind and is the root supply expressed habit. It is within the subconscious mind that infinite wisdom, creativity and harmony lie. The subconscious mind is our direct connection to the Universal source, Ultimate Knowledge, God if you will. This portion of our consciousness however is at the effect and influence of our conscious mind which can form habits that the subconscious adapts as truth. Example; if you currently have a lack mentality your primary conscious thoughts will be focused on and notice all that is lacking in the world, your life and those around you. These primary thoughts are energy attracting more situations and circumstances to support this mentality, thus attracting more lack to your existence. With enough repetition of this mentality of Lack, a habit is formed which eventually is stored into the subconscious as your truth. To be stored as truth, our mind has to gather enough “evidence” to support this belief. This evidence gathering is formed by our interpretation of the events and situations we are observing as “Lack”. When the subconscious adopts a conscious belief as truth, your unconscious thoughts now are working in alignment with your new belief of “not enough” and will begin working against your greater desire of prosperity.
The good news however, is the stored habits of the subconscious that were influenced by the conscious mind can be altered just the same as they were created. The process would require the training of the conscious mind or in other words, the control of your thoughts. This process may require time, practice and patients; and may not happen over night if your primary thoughts have been on a “lack” mentality and has gathered a lot of supporting evidence for many, many years. Conscious thought however, with enough effort & concentration shall not take you as long to master because your energy is more directed, similar to a laser aimed though a barrel. This energy is concentrated and focused which makes it much more powerful. To heighten its power, FEELING is a must. If you apply the energy of “feeling” joy, love, acceptance or appreciation along side your conscious thoughts its power is doubled which ultimately will accelerate the process.

Once the process of conscious thought is practiced enough over the course of time, this will formulate a new habit. Research shows it only takes 18 days of consistency to change a habit, so using the same platform would apply here. Once this new habit has been integrated into your subconscious, which is always working just as the heart is always beating and is directly connected to the Universal source, will align itself with this new belief and create you a new reality. You will not only start seeing prosperity, you will begin to live prosperously.

Wake up!

30 Days to a new you.

10 Simple Rules to Living a Optimal Life

Rule #1

What’s Really Driving You?

Becoming aware of your thoughts, feelings and actions.

Have you ever really stopped & put some thought into what is really driving you.  What motivates you to achieve your goals or dreams and why is so important to you? Or maybe you find you’re not motivated at all, just going through the motions of life without any real direction or purpose. Either way, there is an underlining motivator that causes these types of action or in some cases in-action. Uncovering the real reason why you operate in the manor you do, can help you understand what your major motivators are. Discovering this will revel if you are in alignment with your authentic self (living your purpose), operating out of fear or living unconscious.

To insure you are in correct alignment you must first understand how actions and habits are formed. Actions are a direct result of your feelings which are fueled by thoughts or in other words your thoughts become your feelings which form your action. Thoughts, feelings and actions are all energy frequencies that are directly connected with one another and follow sequence. To begin reforming your actions you must first become aware of your thoughts. Once you understand where your thoughts are directed you can learn to utilize them to create a new reality for yourself. Once you master the art of creative thought, you can then understand how they create your feelings which ultimately form your actions. On average, the human mind thinks approximately 70,000 thoughts a day. Out of those 70,000 thoughts, only a small percentage are deliberately created while the majority are either unconscious or on auto pilot. I am confidant that if you are reading this then you understand the basic laws of attraction & the importance of creative thought.

The Law of Attraction is simply defined as: energy attracts like energy. How that pertains to thoughts is translated to: what you think about will manifest into your reality. It is a scientific fact that thoughts are energy, energy that is constantly sending out frequencies. These frequencies work like magnets attracting other like energy’s to them activating the Law of Attraction. The law of attraction works in the same way as the law of gravity or electricity. You do not need to know how they work, they just do! When you drop a ball we expect it to fall; this is a knowing of ours and what we have come to expect. Same as you do not doubt, when you flick a light switch the light will come on. Even though you can’t see the energy currents, you just know it works. The Law of attraction is always active just the same as the law of gravity. There is no “off time”. Your thought frequencies are attracting matched energy at all times just the same as gravity is keeping our feet planted to the ground. Even though you can’t see the universe working doesn’t mean its not. Believing in the law of attraction needs to follow the same process; you have to KNOW once you have declared your intension to the universe it will manifest. If you linger or doubt your creative thought, the universe will match that same energy & deliver situations where your doubt is validated. This law works the same with unconscious thoughts which usually show up without resistance because we are not sending out doubting energy along with it. You must understand that not every unconscious thought will manifest. The Law of Attraction has other key components which have to be in sequence for the creative process to be activated. Depending on how emotionally charged your thought is and how in alignment it is with your belief system will also determine if your thought will be manifested. A good example of this would be if you have a thought everyday of attracting a living pink elephant but you subconsciously know there is no such thing. Even though you are creatively trying to attract this elephant your thought is not in alignment with your authentic belief system, so in return can not be manifested. Another example of this would be if you were trying to attract $1million. If you have a inner belief you are not worthy of abundance or you have a limiting belief that you have to work hard for money, attracting $1million dollars would not fall into alignment, so in return could not be manifested. If something you have asked for has not yet been brought forth, then you must monitor your thoughts to uncovering what is preventing it.

You know the basic Laws of Attraction, this is not a new thought for you, so the question I pose is; if you understand these laws & the importance of being aware of your thought, how often do you monitor the signals you are sending to the universe? I want you to take a moment here and think about a typical morning, what is the first thing you do when you wake up? Where are your thoughts and how are you feeling? Are you tired, numb, exhausted or energized, vibrant and alive. For most of you a typical morning will consist of a habitual list of things you do. Maybe your morning consist of waking up, going to the gym, making breakfast, get the kids ready, showering, heading to work or grabbing a cup of coffee & sitting down in front of your computer. Whatever it looks like for you, if this sounds slightly familiar, then you are doing rather then just being. Think for a moment, where your thoughts are immediately during this time.

Seriously, STOP reading right here and take a few minutes to think about this.

Write down your morning ritual and trace your thoughts.

Most of you will find your focus is on the actions, getting through the day or task oriented. Your thoughts from the time you wake up are operating on auto pilot, unconsciously drifting through your day and manifesting similar habitual days to match these thoughts. Becoming aware of the direction of your thoughts is the first step toward optimal living.

After you track your morning ritual and find your thoughts are not being utilized in the creative process, you can start to link how your actions are follow suite. Let’s look at a few examples of how your actions are originally formed from your thoughts so you can get a clear understanding on how this process works. If you are thinking about how frustration a situation is, you will most likely be feeling feelings of anger. When you are filled with feelings of anger it is hard not to act or react out of that emotion. I am sure you have directly experienced this at some point in your life when someone said or did something harmful that was based out anger. Most likely it’s not because that person is mean, rather their actions were just based out of what they were feeling at the time. Another great example of thought=feeling=action is the act of procrastination. Let’s start by looking at the definition of procrastination; to defer action; delay: to procrastinate until an opportunity is lost. The action or in this case in-action of procrastination may bring feelings of doubt, laziness and anxiety or overwhelmed. After understanding the definition & looking at the feelings why would anyone want to procrastinate? Well, now let’s take a look into what thoughts maybe fueling these types of feelings. Thoughts of “why bother, its pointless”, “I cant do it anyways”, “Its only going to fail so why try”, “I’m not good enough”, “I cant see how that can happen” or “____” fill in the blank with your own self doubt. When fear or doubtful thoughts are fueling the feelings of anxiety or being overwhelmed, it’s no wonder why procrastination is the action that is playing out. When I first decided I was going to be a life coach, I was filled with excitement & passion but my actions were ones of procrastination. When I stopped to assess my actions, I realized my real feelings were ones of fear, worry and doubt. My head was filled with fearful thoughts “Who do you think you are” and “You can’t do this”. Being aware of this I consciously choose to release my negative thinking and replace my thoughts with empowering ones. Within days I started feeling true excitement & passion for my work and started taking steps toward my goal. I signed up for school, joining coaching groups and learning how to become a life coach. My actions fell into sequence with my desires because my thoughts & feelings were all in alignment. Once you become aware of how this sequence of events is inner linked with each other you can begin to control the process filling your life with more joy, passion & purpose.

Until recently it has not been recognized in our society the importance’s of setting our intention, meditate, center, balance or utilize creative thought. In light of today, our collective consciousness now allows us to focus inwards & connect to our authentic self without having to be hidden or embarrassed. Yet many of you don’t take a few minutes of your day to do this. Let’s imagine for a second that I physically placed a suite case filled with $100,000 in front of you, told you it was yours as long as you monitored your thoughts for 30 days & visualized having this money. You wouldn’t think twice about it! The reality is; the universe has this suite case filled with unlimited amounts of money which is yours for the taking, if you align yourself with the laws of attraction. If you are ready to move from a place of functional living to a place of OPTIMAL living, then I invite you to take The 30 Days to a New You Challenge.

At the end of each segment will be specific steps that are designed to move you from living an ordinary life into an extraordinary one! Read through each segment & practice each technique everyday for 30 days consistently. You must fully commit to investing just a few minutes a day to transform your life, remember no one else is going to do the work it takes to better your life. It is up to you! You may choose to practice 1 technique for a week to get used to it before you add in another or choose to do each one individually for 30 days but after you have learned all ten rules it is essential to practice all 10 simultaneously & consistently for 30 days together. After you make the choice that now is the time to invest in yourself, find 10-15 minutes of your day you can set aside for undistracted “ME TIME”.

Rule #1; What is really driving you?

Becoming aware of your thoughts, which express as feelings and ultimately form your actions.

You’re 30 Day Challenge: Everyday for then next 30 days start examining your thoughts, feelings & actions. Find the link between your thoughts & feelings, then do the same thing for your feelings to actions. Assess if the actions you are taking on a daily bases are in alignment with your desires or if they are drifting on “auto-pilot”. Check in on your feelings; are they ones of joy, love, gratefulness or ones of depression, fear, worry, stress or doubt. Once you establish where you are emotionally you can start to track which thoughts are fueling these negative feelings or habitually actions. After you discover what thoughts are really driving you, you can consciously choose to change or replace your thinking! If you are feeling feelings of worry & trace it back to thoughts of lack, you can choose to replace that thinking with thoughts of abundance. Once you shift your thinking your feelings will shift into ones of appreciation & joy. This shift in return will form new actions that are in alignment such as ones of productivity vs. procrastination or acts of giving vs. hording. Your 30 day challenge is to become intimately connected with your thoughts. Use the tracking technique Actions=Feeling=Thought to discover your limiting thinking, then choose to replace that thought with a more empowering one that is in alignment with your desires.

Thoughts = Feelings = Action

Reading “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz opened my eyes to the true art of relationships. Through teaching of the Toltec traditions I have acquired new in-site to the internal & emotional dance between two individuals. With this new awareness I now have a greater understanding of why most of our relationships fail, while only few are truly successful. Taking the time to understand a few basic principles surrounding relationships can completely transform the interaction all together.

One of the first principles to understand is that in every relationship, “there are two dreamers with two dreams. Every Dreamer is going to dream in his own way. That is why we need to accept the differences that exist between two dreamers; we need to respect each others dream.” The Toltec uses the reference of “dreamers” to describe what I believe to be individual conciseness. In other words, each individual within the relationship has their own unique interpretation on life and its situations. This interpretation will be based on their past experience surround the issue or perception of the relationship all together. Depending on their personal past experience, the dreamer will either love out of Fear or unconditional love.

Understanding how you love, wither its fear based or unconditional is another key principle within the Toltec traditions. Since there can only be two dreamers within any relationship, each relationship would need to be evaluated individually. If your interactions with another dreamer are filled with conditions, judgments or expectations, then it is submerged in fear. Some examples of fear based love can be expressed such as: ‘I will love you as long as you are good to me’, ‘I love my friend but she looks so fat’, or ‘I will stay with you as long as you never lie to me’. To better understand the logic of fear based love, let’s use the example of ‘I will love you as long as you are good to me.’ Often we hear this type of condition when it comes to our life partners, but if you take a closer look into why this is a condition to your relationship you will find it is completely based out of fear. More then likely, the person enforcing this condition has previously had a relationship which had turned sour. Perhaps their partner, parent or sibling was abusive or neglectful. This past hurt unconsciously becomes a condition within the relationship and sets unachievable expectations. This underlining sets the relationship up for failure. If both dreamers understand the art of relationships while respecting each others dreams, then the partnership starts to form unconditional love.

If your past hurt(s) remain unresolved it will influence all your current relationship and prevent you from experiencing a deeper connection. Unconditional love is expressed with NO expectations, NO assumptions and NO judgment, just affection and understanding. This type of relationship can only exist if you make the conscious choice to release your past, step into the present & become that which you wish to receive. This energy will attract someone who is willing to respect your dream (meaning opinion & perspective) & unconditionally love you in return because hold this already is true for yourself.  How will I know if a person I meet will be right for me? The truth is you won’t know unless you try, but if you are sending out a vibrational energy of Self-Unconditional Love then you can only attract that same energy in return! That is why it is important for you to explore and take the risk; just be aware of what energy you are projecting to the universe & release your FEAR based thoughts!

“If you understand the concept of the wounded mind, you will understand the reason why romantic relationships are so difficult. The emotional body is sick. It has wounds; it has poison.” It is understandable that we are cautious when it comes to love, we have been hurt before & all men are the same, right? Wrong. Our assumption is based on our past experience which will then prevent us from having a successful relationship because we EXPECT it to be the same. We are anticipating the other shoe to fall at any time. This type of thinking WILL attract a failing relationship because if it didnt fail, you wouldn’t be able to say ‘told you so, I knew it was the right thing to do & not give myself completely.’

“We are so afraid to love because it isn’t safe to love. The fear of rejection frightens us. We have to pretend to be what we are not; we try to be accepted by our partner when we dont accept ourselves. But the problem is not that our partner rejects us. The problem is that we reject ourselves, because we are not good enough, because that is what WE believe.” To create a successful relationship means to love yourself unconditionally, love your partner 110% without hesitation and understand that NO ONE is perfect. All relationships are going to hit speed bumps; it is what you both do about it that determines your success. Address issues lovingly and working out ways together to prevent future bumps will allow you to co-create a successful future. If you are working together to better the relationship, then you are moving & growing together which is what LOVE is all about. You will not be able to agree on everything or see eye to eye on everything because the relationship has 2 sets of eyes both of which have seen completely different outcomes to any given situation. Now, here comes the real trick, to give yourself 110% you must love YOURSELF 110%. Take time to fall in love with yourself & your faults. Do things you enjoy, just because it makes you smile while learning to respect yourself. “You have to focus on the most wonderful relationship you can have: the relationship with yourself. It is not about being selfish; it is about self-love. These are not the same.” If you learn to accept these concepts and operate through them, you will gain a different perspective on your relationship as a whole & it will help settle a “fight or flight” programming. Relationships are just opportunities, some work & some dont. The problem is you never know which ones will work and which ones wont but you should not allow this fear prevent you from finding out. Remember the stronger and healthier your relationship is with yourself determines the relationships you will attract. If take a good look at your own self- relationship and find it is not what you would want from your partner, stop looking for someone else to fix or fulfill this void! Take the time to love and nurture yourself by becoming your own best friend! Your life will thank you.

A Comprehensive step by step guide, Helping you unravel the laws of the universe.

1. DECIDE. Make a conscious choice of what you want; this is the 1st step in the creative process. Be clear with your intention; don’t just think you know, state your desire of EXACTLY what you want. Thinking with the end in mind will help guide you, for example, if a new car is what you want, go test drive different vehicles until you know which one is right for you…down to the color, features and year!

2. ASK. Set forth your intention by proclaiming it to the universe exactly what you want! Hold a clear image in your mind of your request making sure you have a clear, loving appreciation for your desire. Feeling happy and grateful about your request will help assure you are in the right state of mind. Declare your intention as if it has already happened, using words such as “I have…” or “I am so happy and grateful now that…” or “I am…”. Choosing your words wisely will insure your success in the creative process. Beware of using phrases such as “I want…” or “I don’t…”.

These words tend to draw in that which you seek to change; here is an example “I don’t want stress in my life.” will end up attracting more stress because the focus of that intention is on “stress”. Try using the opposite, such as “I only attract peace into my life.” See the difference?

Use this method to help create your own affirmations.

3. Believe & Let Go! The law of attraction works in the same way as the law of gravity or electricty. You do not need to know how they work; they just do! When you drop a ball we expect it to fall; this is a knowing of ours and what we have come to expect. Believing in the law of attraction needs to follow the same process; you have to KNOW once you have declared your intension to the universe it will happen and not linger or doubt this thought. You do not doubt when you flick a light switch the light will come on, even though you can’t see the energy working; do you? Just because you can’t see the universe working doesn’t mean its not. Believe and let go. Know your request has been heard and allow the universe to do what it is designed to do.

Until you master an unwavering knowing that the universe is working for you we need to use the 30 day creative process. Once you have completed your vision on your board, hang it somwhere you will se it everyday. Spend at least 5 minutes everyday for 30 days imagining your life as if your desires have been already met. Know the universe heard you and is doing its job. Picture yourself in that new car or house with that new job or whatever it is you wish to have or heal. Feeling good about your request is VERY important so have fun with this step.

4. GRATEFUL. The attitude of gratitude is thee most IMPORTANT step in the creative process. The universe can not bring you what you want if you are not grateful for what you have. It does not matter how “bad” things are right ow. If you are not grateful you will repetitively manifest the “bad” in your life because that is where your focus is. Forget about what is wrong in your life. Focus on all the good that is to come and be GRATEFUL for the blessing you have now, even if it is just having the strength to learn this process. Attitude of gratitude is a way of life that needs to be practiced every day. Before you start your 5 minute a day visualization, take a few minutes to FEEL GRATITUDE. Find something in your life to be thankful for. From the tips of your toes to the top of your head, feel that warming feeling of gratefulness.

5. Be Open To Receiving! The universe will deliver your request, but sometimes not in the form you would expect. Be grateful for all opportunities or abundance that enters into your life. The attitude of gratitude is your key to success! If you asked for $100,000 the universe may deliver it in smaller amounts over a period of time. Be grateful for the 25 cents you found in the drive thru parking lot; it may be the start of your desire! As you go about your day, allow the opportunities of your request to come into your life. Do not shoot them down just because it’s not how you imagined it coming. When I find even just a penny I pick it up and say “Thank you for this continuous flow of money that enters into my life.” I am grateful for even the small gifts of my request because I know the universe is delivering exactly what I asked for. Seize the moment and pay attention to ALL opportunities, If there is a will, there is a way.

“Love is unconditional. Fear is full of conditions. In the track of fear, I love you if you let me control you, if you are good to me, if you fit into the image I make for you. I create an image of the way you should be, and because you are not and never will be the image, I judge you because of that, and find you guilty. Many times I even feel ashamed of you because you are not what I want you to be. If you dont fit that image I create, you embarrass me, you annoy me, I have no patience at all with you. I am just pretending kindness. In the track of love, there is not if; there are no conditions. I love you for no reason, with no justifications. I love you the way you are, and you are free to be the way you are.” Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love.

Wow, This couldn’t be any more true. Reading this paragraph this morning gave me a greater perspective on the interactions of relationships and the true meaning behind unconditional love. So many times I hear the phrase “I love him/her unconditionally”, but the question I pose is, do your actions display unconditional love or just your words?

I think it is safe to say, most of us intend on loving unconditional but because we have never been taught true unconditional love, our actions display a more fear based love, filled with unspoken conditions. When we are dating, getting married, making friends or any other relationship, judgment is usually one of our first thoughts. The majority of our consciousness is trained to judge others,  wither its by the clothes they wear, what they do, how they act or how we feel around them. We immediately make an assumption on who that person is like based on a past experience or fearful thought. Instantly, a judgment is made to wither this is a person we connect to or not and on what foundation your relationship will be based. In this moment your subconscious makes a decision based on your assumption to what level is safe for you to be authentic or vulnerable. This decision lays the stepping stones of our conditions. “I trust this person (as long as they dont hurt me)”, “I am open and vulnerable (as long as they are to)”  “I love this person for who they are (right now, as long as they dont change)”, “I love my children unconditional (as long as they do as they are told and dont embarrass me)”.

This type of conditional love display equivalent actions based on fear. Either the fear of being hurt, fear of loss, embarrassment, fear of being used, taken advantage of, fear of unworthiness, unlovable, the fear of being alone, etc. becomes the driving force for your actions. “I trust this person (as long as they dont hurt me) but if they do hurt me I will restrict them from my love, or no longer trust them with my love.” “I love my children unconditional (as long as they do as they are told and dont embarrass me) and if they do embarrass me they will be punished!”. With these types of consequences our actions are displaying a type of conditional love.

Now, before you start defending your actions let me assure you that I understand not everyone has good intentions & that children need guidance, but what if there is another way to interact with people and support your children without conditions. Loving unconditionally is loving someone without conditions otherwise its conditional love with requirements YOU demand to be met. Allowing people to be individuals, free of expectations is true love. The next time 5 year old is running down your hall naked in front of your party guest, try not getting mad but rather smile at their innocents  for not feel judged and then just talk to them… “Honey, I am so proud of you for being joyful but do you think this is an appropriate time to be without clothes?”  Nine times out of ten that child will know it is probably not the best time to be naked. If your teenager is “acting out” and pushing you away, try having a conversation without judgment, “I want you to know that I love & accept you for who you are. I feel like we are not communicating very well right now and we just dont seem to understand one another, what do you think?” By removing judgment & acknowledging your child by asking for their input, opens the door for a productive conversation.

Take a look at the relationships in your life right now, are you expressing unconditional love or are your words the only action being taken?

You are a divine source of love who deserves to be filled with unconditional love and given the same in return. Once you become the shinning example of abundant love and allow the judgments to dissolve you, will attract nothing short of what you put out.